IGCSE LinkedInLit (Volume 2)

By Pete on July 29, 2025 • ( 0 )

Here are more of my #LinkedInLit posts about IGCSE English as a Second Language. You can read the first volume here.

The cultural trip

‘This cultural trip to England is an excellent opportunity for #IGCSE #ESL students,’ said Mr Wells enthusiastically. ‘In fact, the itinerary has been designed to cover topics that are likely to arise in your future ESL reading exam.

On Day 1, we will visit a farm in Sussex to learn about the history of beekeeping. This will be followed by a trip along the coast to explore erosion at the Birling Gap.

Day 2 involves a trip to Lyme Regis to learn about the famous fossil hunter Mary Anning, then we’ll go up to the limestone canyons at Cheddar Gorge to learn the difference between stalagmites and stalactites.

On Day 3 we will pass through Ivell, or rather, Yeovil – a once thriving market community. There we will learn about the production of leather goods and cheese… any questions so far? Sergio?’

‘I’m all for the cultural stuff Mr Wells, really I am. But could we maybe go shopping too?’ asked Sergio.

‘Yes,’ replied Wells, ‘In Yeovil.’

A few students sigh.

‘Look,’ said Mr Wells, ‘you have to remember that this is an exam-driven trip. Walking around shops might be interesting, but it will not provide you with the vocabulary you need to access the IGCSE ESL reading paper.

Beekeeping, tanning, and looking at trilobite fossils will. These are favourites of test writers. They haven’t appeared in the exam for a few years now, so I’m pretty sure they‘ll be in the summer series…’

A few more students sigh.

‘However, I realise you teens might want to get a few Instagram snaps while we’re there. With that in mind, I’ve added in a day trip to the Dungeness Sound Mirrors. They haven’t appeared in the exam since 2012, so you never know…’

Test writer dating

‘So, er… leafy sea dragons?’ said Bob, awkwardly.

‘Huh?’ replied Colin, bemused. ‘I’m … I’m totally new to speed-dating. Is that some kind of code?!’

‘No…’ Bob stuttered, ‘It’s just… what I’m interested in right now. Like …’

‘Like… How they eat their yolk sacs after hatching?’ Colin said, raising an eyebrow.

‘Then progress onto zooplankton and mysids…’ Bob responded, with an embarrassed chuckle.

‘So, you’re an #IGCSE #ESL test writer too, huh?’ said Colin, knowingly. ‘Fancy getting out of here and discussing why certain insects bounce off zebra stripes?’

‘I can think of 4 advantages to that idea, but 3 disadvantages too…’ said Bob, playing coy.

‘What’s your short answer? pressed Colin.

‘Let’s do it. But, you know… I’m into multiple matching, right?’ replied Bob.

Colin touched Bob’s hand, ‘I’ve been that way since 2012…’

External moderation

The #IGCSE #ESL speaking exam window was two weeks away. Gertrude, an ESL teacher and internal examiner, receives a call.

Gertrude: Hello?

Barry: Obscure 1980s bands or artists.

Gertrude: … How will I know what’s considered obscure?

Barry: Just remember the good times we had.

It had been four years since Gertrude separated from Barry, an IGCSE ESL external moderator. Their time together coincided with Gertrude’s golden era of ESL exam results – never did a student achieve lower than a Grade A in the speaking exam. Noone had realised that Barry was the external moderator for Gertrude’s candidates throughout those years.

A conflict of interest – sure. Then, after Gertrude called time on their relationship, just bitter conflict. Barry remained Gertrude’s external moderator, and now he was playing a spiteful game. Her ESL candidates were merely the pawns.

Last year, Barry told Gertrude that he’d dock her candidates marks unless they included references to stamp collecting in Part 1. Gertrude had always mocked Barry’s stamp collection.

The year before that, he’d requested references to cryptocurrency. He’d never forgiven Gertrude for advising him to trade Ethereum for Ripple two years previously.

This time, obscure 80s bands. Gertrude spent the next fortnight helping her learners subtly and seamlessly reference the likes of Men Without Hats, Landscape, Modern English, and Lene Lovich in Speaking Part 1 and Part 3.

The day after submission, Gertrude’s phone rang. She answered frantically.

Gertrude: Please stop this, Barry. It’s really affecting my learners and the authenticity of our already contrived conversations.

Barry: Do you remember our first date? We took a stroll along Brighton seafront.

Gertrude: They were fun times, Barry.

Barry: Your fish and chips were dive-bombed.

Gertrude: Oh yeah! By a… Oh. A Flock of Seagulls. We… didn’t mention that band, did we?

Barry: I’m lowering all your candidate scores by a mark.

Gertrude: Barry, please…

Museums in Grytviken

‘Oh, come on Mr Wells! Not another text about scrimshaw!’

‘You can scoff all you want!’ replied Bob Wells, #IGCSE #ESL teacher, ‘but believe me. It is time!’

‘Time for what? Responsible tourism in the Faroe Islands?! Jeez. There is literally nothing about whalebone carving I don’t know now.’

‘Tusk tusk indeed!’ responded Wells.

It’s two weeks later. Bob Wells is invigilating the final IGCSE ESL exam (although there’s a conflict of interest in this story, clearly). While strolling down the aisle, he sees one of his students turn to the final writing task:

*You recently visited a heritage museum in Grytviken, South Georgia. Write a report on the trip for your school magazine…*

The student looks up at Wells, dumbfounded.

Wells winks, as if to say ‘there were literally no other traditional crafts they could have mentioned in this exam. Apart from batik; we’ll see *that* next year…’

Barkgate

Google search: What was ‘Barkgate’ in terms of #IGCSE #ESL?

AI Overview:

Barkgate remains one of the most controversial moments in IGCSE ESL exam history.

The events began after an IGCSE ESL reading text about zebras mentioned that they were the only member of the Equidae family that could bark. Understanding this part of the text was required in order to attain full marks in the short-answer exercise.

A hippologist, whose child was an IGCSE ESL candidate at the time, believed this fact to be false. They made a formal complaint to the exam body. The contents of the complaint was leaked, and a campaign for the question to be made invalid took off.

The campaign was most notable for its use of genuine recordings of zebras as evidence that they do not bark. In one video, a zebra stated: ‘bray, whinny, snort, sure… But we don’t bark.’ Sales of merchandise incorporating this slogan were used to fund a court case in support of the campaign.

Would you like to know more?

The recording

‘Here is your… ouch!’ exclaimed Bob, an #IGCSE #ESL examiner. Just as he was handing Jess (the candidate) her prep card for Part 2, he felt a sharp pain.

‘Are you alright?’ asked Jess.

‘Yeah, it’s just, ouch! It’s a paper cut.’ said Bob, trying to play it down but also in agony.

‘Are you sure that’s just a paper cut?’ Jess said. ‘It’s, well… the blood is kinda spurting out!’

Crimson blotches dripping onto the candidate card made it difficult for Jess to read the task.

‘It’ll be fine,’ Bob said unconvincingly.

‘Do you need a tissue or…? I think you should apply pressure to it. It looks pretty serious.’ Jess seemed genuinely concerned. ‘Sir, you’ve gone white’.

‘You now have up to 2 minutes to talk about the topic on the card’ said Bob robotically.

‘Wait, what?!’ said Jess in shock. ‘But… I haven’t even looked at the topic card. I mean, there was a medical emergency happening! Surely we could have stopped the recording?’

‘Once started, the recording cannot be stopped,’ said Bob. Then he fainted.

When the ambulance arrived, Jess informed the paramedics about what happened – demonstrating an excellent range of medical-related vocabulary in the process.

The recording was finally stopped two days later, when Bob Wells returned to work. The exam board only reviewed the first 15 minutes.

In their feedback, they praised the candidates swift response to the emergency, and their vocabulary range. However, they awarded a mark of 0 due to exam protocol not being followed: Bob failed to read the examiner script correctly when saying ‘Here is your card.’

Thanks for reading!

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay