IGCSE ESL LinkedInLit (Volume 1)

By Pete on March 31, 2025 • ( 1 )

Here’s a collection of my #LinkedInLit posts about IGCSE English as a Second Language. These are my latest ELT funnies, following on from TEFL Sniglets, Materials Writing Conversations and Crusader of Materials Writing

The story of Bob and the BlackBerry

October 15, 2002. Bob, an ELT teacher and part-time test specification writer for publishers, reprimands a student.

‘You know the rules. No BlackBerrys in class! Put that away please.’

‘Sorry,’ says the student, ‘I was just emailing a friend about a school trip I went on recently. I was including where I went, why, who with, and what I learnt. I’ll stop immediately…’

‘Wait!’ replies Bob, ‘go through that content criteria again…’

What happened next?

– The ‘write an email to a friend’ task has appeared in over 40,000 different English language test papers at the time of writing.

– Bob was commended for the authenticity of his work back in 2002. He became a highly sought-after test writer, eventually becoming Head of Assessment for SurprisinglyFutureProofELT

– Bob’s famous classroom interaction is still mentioned often in test writing circles. One global ELT publisher even shares ‘The Story of Bob and the BlackBerry’ with new members of the exam team, reminding them that inspiration for test items can come from anywhere, even from actual learners…

– Bob’s student has never received any royalties for their part in creating one of ELT’s most famous writing test tasks. However, the BlackBerry used to partially create a model answer for the task was auctioned at an ELT Freelancers Away Day back in 2020.

Pseudo-clefts

It’s late 2015. Bob, an experienced #ELT editor, rocks the language assessment world with his edits for a 2016 IGCSE ESL listening exam (May/June series).

While editing ‘an interview with a young architect called Daniel Rhodes’, Bob reads the following chunk of text about Rhodes’ choice of university degree:

‘I was keen on languages when I was at school, and was captivated by art. However, what really interested me was history…’

Bob could instantly envisage the accompanying MCQ. It was the pseudo-cleft sentence, right now mentioned in a cleft sentence for emphasis, which irked him. He edited Rhodes’ comments to omit the clear signposting and add more challenge for test takers.

What happened next?

– A well-known exam body received over 18,000 complaints from teachers and learners regarding the May/June 2016 exam paper. The uproar regarding Part 7 having no answers whatsoever that were signposted by pseudo-cleft sentences sent shockwaves through the ELT assessment world.

– Test item writers went on strike, demanding the right to keep producing formulaic and predictable chunks of text and accompanying test items. Exam bodies were forced to compromise, and allow writers to signpost up to 3 out of the 8 correct answers in Part 7 of the exam with pseudo-cleft sentences

– One entrepreneurial test item writer made 150 pounds from the sale of ‘Pseudo-clefts FTW’ badges at the IATEFL Birmingham 2016.

– In a 2023 interview with Assessment Periodically, Bob formally apologized for his editorial decisions, citing ‘a desire to just… make some answers a little less glaringly obvious’ as his reasons.

– Bob was nominated for an ELTon for global innovations in 2016.

Pinkie

Bob, an experienced IGCSE ESL teacher, breathes a sigh of relief. That’s fifteen practice ‘emails to a friend’ marked – one to go.

He opens the final exercise book on his desk, clutches his ‘green for growth’ marking pen, and starts reading.

Seconds later, the pen falls from his hand. His temples swell. His eyes bulge. He clutches his chest, hyperventilating.

No.

It…

It can’t be…

*Dear friend*, the email begins, *I trust you are in the pink of health.*

Bob froze.

He knew that most of his students were having tutoring for IGCSE ESL outside school hours – that was nothing new. But… this response. With its trademark lack of genuine audience, then its almost Dickensian lead-in. It could only mean one thing.

Pinkie, the tutor whose advice you spend two terms undoing, was back.

‘When was the last time?’ Bob muttered to the exercise book on the desk, ‘Thailand? 2020, I believe?’

‘Welcome back,’ he sneered, ‘… friend.’

Pleasant outdoor sounds

It’s 2023. Colin, an IGCSE ESL test writer, is authoring Speaking Part 3 questions for the official June exam papers. His topic is ‘your local environment’.

Colin is writing from his 8th floor long-term rental room at Ngoc Hue guesthouse in Saigon. He’s struggling to focus over the depressed whirr of an electric saw from the nearby building site. A street dog begins an argument with the saw. A baby on a 6th floor balcony starts crying. A tone-deaf dad sings a lullaby. The traffic lights down below change, and 40 motorbikes speed off all at once.

Colin remembers the advice he read in Materials Writing for the Easily Distracted: ‘seek inspiration from the world around you – however mundane’. Colin pens Part 3, Question 1, for Assessment E:

*Some outdoor sounds are more pleasant to listen to than others. Do you agree?*

What happened next?

Colin Collins won the 2024 Test Writer’s Award for Most Random Question in an IGCSE exam.

After the June 2024 paper, the exams body announced that Colin’s question beat the record for inducing the most amount of bemused sniggers from test candidates. Colin himself held the previous record with his question ‘Do you think humming should become an Olympic sport? Why? Why not?’

In November 2024, a video of an IGCSE ESL mock exam between a teacher and student went viral. Angered by *that sounds question*, the student in the video responds ‘Six months preparation! I thought I’d heard everything. Pleasant outdoor sounds? Really?!’

The phrase ‘pleasant outdoor sounds?’, often shortened to POS, has become textchat slang among Gen Alpha in response to any curveball question.

I don’t know either!

‘And here’s the final warm-up question,’ said Bob Wells as he administered the IGCSE ESL speaking exam, ‘What would you like to do when you finish school?’

‘Finish school?’ replied the candidate, ‘probably just play some Nintendo Switch, or… Oh, wait. Do you mean when I *finish* *finish* school?’

‘Yes, when you finish school…’ reiterated Bob.

‘Okay, so by *finish* you mean, like, graduate or something?’ asked the candidate, sounding confused.

‘I mean… Yeah why not. It could be either’ mumbled Bob.

‘Either what?’

‘Like, either literally *when you finish school today*, or, like, your future plans once you finish your studies’.

‘Okay, so which should I go with?!’ challenged the candidate.

Bob paused the recording. He addressed the candidate.

‘Just forget it,’ he said sternly, ‘this part of the test is *not* assessed. Say something. Anything. Brush it off, then we move on to Part 1’

‘Brush it off?!’ blurted a visibly angry candidate, ‘I thought these warm up questions were designed to put me AT EASE! Why didn’t you just give me a straight answer, Mr Wells?’

‘BECAUSE I DIDN’T KNOW EITHER, OKAY?!’ sobbed Bob in despair, ‘I JUST, DIDN’T, KNOW. WHAT DID THEY WANT US TO SAY?!’ He frantically rocked in his chair.

‘It’s okay, Mr Wells,’ said the candidate reassuringly, ‘Let’s just go again. Brush it off. It’s Part 1 next – familiar, everyday topics. Just start the recording again. We’ve got this.’

English for Birding Purposes

‘We’re sorry, Bill. The migratory patterns of bar-tailed godwits just wasn’t obscure enough’

It had been 22 years since Bill, an #IGCSE #ESL test writer, wrote his first test. A keen ornithologist in his free time, Bill decided to call upon his birding knowledge to construct a text on the difference between a Tree Sparrow and a Dunnock. It was well-received. Editors praised Bill for his ability to create texts with the exact boredom-factor level needed.

2003-2019 were the glory years. Bill managed to twitch-write his way to nearly two decades of pay packets. Almost every exam he wrote included at least one feather-filled text. The decline of Hoopoes in Burma/Myanmar, rare sightings of a Glossy Ibis in Hampshire, ‘The dance of Fantails’… His work was lapped up (read ‘lapwinged up’) by publishers, and was the bane of candidates’ existence. Then came 2020.

During Covid, IGCSE ESL teachers were running out of Netflix shows to watch. To pass time, one teacher took to an online forum encouraging others to analyse the topics appearing in ESL exam papers and search for patterns. This revealed the extent to which ornithology had become rooted as an exam theme. That’s when the training started.

IGCSE ESL teachers everywhere began training their students in English for Birding Purposes, in order to help them predict the content of upcoming exams. Unaware, Bill couldn’t stay one step ahead. The 2022 paper revealed a record number of full marks on a question regarding the mating rituals of the pheasants. For Bill, the ‘game’ was up.

The pressure on Bill to find more and more obscure birding content killed his passion for passerines. It also cost him his job of 20 years. He does take heart from the fact, however, that his knowledge of bar-tailed godwits is likely to help him in future pub quizzes.

RegretAI

‘Here goes everything’ said Bob, as his finger tapped the left-mouse button with conviction.

As an #IGCSE #ESL writing test marker, Bob knew he’d always be in work. ‘Keep those dear-friend emails coming. I’ll bat them right back with a minus for register and audience’, he’d say.

But year on year, the demands were increasing. Hundreds of exams to mark became thousands, became tens of thousands, and Bob found himself starting to make -ed and -ing adjective errors in everyday life just through sheer osmosis.

Something had to give.

That provider was AI.

Bob tentatively fed one test into Regret AI, after a tip off from a friend. He uploaded the rubric, and asked the tool to provide a final mark and feedback. It wasn’t half accurate. Well, yes, it was half-accurate – and some.

So it began. Every time Bob got a bit tired, he’d ’Regret it’. Soon, the time had come. Bob’s tiredness had become laziness, and Regret was taking over.

Bob toyed with the idea of letting Regret AI go through a whole batch of exams from Zone 5. He wrestled with his conscience for at least 10 minutes, then considered his bank account. He was about to live to Regret it, but couldn’t be persuaded otherwise.

‘If it’s this good, it’s taking over anyway,’ he reasoned. And in the click of a button, his 14 years of marking experience left his physical form in search of a vessel with more integrity.

Thanks for reading!

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay